Finding your peace in a world of chaos
The following is the transcript of a presentation that longtime friend of Left Foot Media, Pete Espil delivered to an audience in the USA last year.
The topic of “Peace” is not one I would have chosen, let alone been qualified to speak about until a few years ago. However, I chose this topic because I feel that during my medical struggles a few years ago and in my work as a therapist who helps people recover from severe trauma, I have learned a thing or two about the search for peace.
My views on this subject are heavily influenced by my own experiences, education and journey, and my journey for peace is certainly far from complete. Nevertheless, I am further along today than I was yesterday which is, I think, the goal.
I chose to use the Serenity Prayer as an outline for my talk. What follows are the points I made during my presentation as we dissected the prayer line by line in order to draw from it some insight into the subject of peace from the perspective of an imperfect Benedictine oblate.
God grant me the Serenity…
The first word of the prayer is God. I believe peace begins and ends with God, in much the same way that the Benedictine traditions holds that all great things begin when we listen to the voice of God. The first line of the prayer is also a request for help.
Finding peace begins with asking for it from Our Creator. Like all of God’s gifts, it is free but requires action on our part. We can’t ask for peace and continue to live the same way. We will need to give some things up in order to practice living with peace. Anything in our life that is destroying our peace may have to be placed on the chopping block. Hippocrates said, “Before you heal a man, ask him if he is willing to give up the things that made him sick.” Once we ask for Christ’s peace, we may need to take some personal inventory and do some house cleaning.
The first line also teaches us that it is ok to ask for help in our journey for peace. If we are someone who feels they must be constantly busy in order to feel worthy, it may be time to simplify our life. If we are a boss who can’t delegate because our self worth is too tied up in our work, it may be time to stop micro managing. If we are a parent who thinks that love is taking care of everyone in the family at the expense of your own sanity or safety, it may be time to learn to be a partner instead of the leader.
To accept the things I cannot change…
The second line introduces the concept of acceptance. This word is often used without a clear understanding of its meaning. Acceptance means “acknowledgement of what is.” When we accept things, we do not necessarily agree with them, like them or endorse them. We simply acknowledge reality.
Knowing what things we can’t change is easier explained if we turn it around and identify what we can change. The only thing we can change is ourselves. This means we must let go of everything outside of our reasoned choice. When we can let go of trying to control others and focus on changing ourselves, we have found the path to peace.
Courage to change the things I can…
Courage is a virtue often defined as “when you are afraid but you go anyway.” At first, this conjures up for me memories of how I felt at times in the Marines, or before a boxing match at a Golden Gloves tournament. However, I think we do a disservice when we limit courage to those types of situations.
We can only change ourselves. Taking an honest look at ourselves and then working on changing ourselves for the better takes tremendous courage. Acceptance of difficult situations and circumstances takes courage as well. Speaking the truth takes courage. Befriending the outcast takes courage. Doing the right thing takes courage. Even being kind takes courage. Finding peace also means having the courage to do these things and many others.
And the Wisdom to know the difference…
Wisdom is one of the gifts of the spirit. A wise man once told me that “knowledge plus experience plus maturity equals wisdom.” Many times in my life I thought I was wise because I had knowledge and experience but sadly, lacked maturity. Wisdom can’t exist in the absence of a mature soul.
Wisdom takes time and thus it is often late to come to us. Wisdom is slow, contemplative, and cautious. It requires rational thought. Wisdom does not coexist well with emotion. If we allow our emotions to control us, we cannot be wise. Additionally, if we are controlled by emotions, we won’t be at peace.
To gain control of emotion we must learn to control our thinking. The famous Stoic Marcus Aurelius said, “Our life is what our thoughts make it.” Though not a Christian, this line, so powerful in its simplicity and wisdom, is not in contradiction with Benedictine thought or practice.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time…
The author Laurence Gonzales in his book “Deep Survival: Who lives, who dies and why” Wrote that the first rule of survival is to “be here now.” This is an excellent definition of mindfulness. Learning to be fully present to what is in front of us right now is a beautiful application of a peace filled life.
When our thinking gets too far into the future we are soon faced with fears, anxiety and worry. When our thinking is trapped in the past we are often besieged by depression. It is only when we practice “being here now” that we can find peace because we are then living an engaged life that cultivates authentic relationships.
Consider those people you have encountered who are always too busy to make time for genuine connection with others and, then practice doing the opposite. Remember, you can only do one thing at a time. Be content with the task at hand.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace…
Practicing acceptance in the face of hardship and adversity is a challenge. Victor Frankl spoke of the “tragic triad” which he described as the reality that we will all face suffering, guilt, and death. How can we view these things that sound so terrible as the pathway to peace?
Christ tells us in Matthew that we should rejoice when persecuted. One of my favorite saints, St. Thomas More, said that suffering is a gift that God only gives to his closest and most special friends. Many Christian communities do a disservice to their members when they avoid the subjects of suffering and pain. But consider the difficult reality that we never grow when we are comfortable. Doing hard and uncomfortable things is when we grow the most.
I don’t think Peace has much to do with comfort. I think peace has far more to do with acceptance.
Victor Frankl also said that the last of the human freedoms, that which can never be taken from us, is to decide how we respond to any given set of circumstances. We have very limited control over our circumstances. We have absolute control over our responses to our circumstances. If Dr. Frankl could be at peace in Auschwitz, surely we can cultivate peace in our daily struggles, however difficult they may seem.
Taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would like it…
If we truly want to follow the example of Christ, we have to remember that He didn’t force anyone to change. He didn’t change everyone or the systems around Him so He could be at peace. Instead, He preached the kingdom of God and let people make their own decision.
Christ offered a way people could change their hearts. When we allow Christ to change our hearts, we start to understand real peace. The most chronically unhappy people are those who blame others for their situations, feelings, and actions. They can be recognized because they say things like, “If everyone would just do things a certain way, I wouldn’t get so angry.” This lack of maturity demonstrates the chaos that we create in our own minds and hearts when we allow attitudes and actions of others to control our own thoughts and emotions. This type of attitude is at best, a lack of maturity and at worst, the purest form of narcissism. Either way, there is no peace to be found.
Trusting that he will make all things right, if I surrender to his will…
I like to say that trust is the first cousin of faith. Trusting in God’s will may not always be comfortable, but when we do, we will be at peace. Please remember that peace does not mean being comfortable. In fact, if we are comfortable, there is a good chance we are not in God’s will. It may sound strange to think that we could be uncomfortable and at peace at the same time but knowing we are doing what God asks of us brings peace even if the circumstances are less than desirable on a comfort scale.
Trusting and following God’s will leaves little room for anxiety, worry, depression, anger, jealousy and attempting to control others.
That I may be reasonably happy in this world and supremely happy in the next…
I don’t believe we were created to be happy. We were created to know love and serve God and we are promised a reward. Happiness is something we can look forward to but it certainly is never promised to us in this life. However, when we are at peace we can feel fulfilled, which is probably a far better feeling than happy. Certainly at times we will feel happy and joyful but I'm not convinced that being happy is the purpose of life, or a sign that we are in God’s will.
Finally, a word on boundaries…
Sometimes we will be forced to set boundaries in order to guard our peace. This could mean limiting screen time, scheduling time for silence and self care, or even limiting our work in order to avoid burnout. Boundaries will sometimes need to be set with people who will attempt to disrupt our peace because of their own toxic behavior. Setting boundaries is healthy and acceptable. It is what some might refer to as “tough love.” And therein is the guide for how to do it. When boundaries are set with other people it is out of love for them and for ourselves just as Christ commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Don’t be afraid to say “no” sometimes. Don’t let our society convince you that you must always be productive in order to have worth. And don’t fall for the lie that you don’t love someone if you set boundaries in order to avoid enabling their destructive behaviors.
Jean Pierre “Pete” Espil is a fourth generation French Basque and an Idaho native. He served as a rifleman in the United States Marine Corps after high school. He received his Bachelor degree in Linguistics from Boise State University and his Masters in Social work from Utah State University. He is also an oblate in the Benedictine tradition. He has worked with teens for 28 years including 13 years in full time youth ministry for the Catholic Church. He has published four books to date and is working on a fifth. He currently works as a counselor at a local agency in southern Idaho. He and his wife, Jaime, have been married 25 years. They recently adopted a daughter, Amelia. As a family they are working to build a non profit to assist young women suffering from trauma. When Pete isn’t working, he enjoys hunting and trapping with his daughter in the great outdoors of Idaho, practicing martial arts, and spending time with his wife and their dogs.
